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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Bam Bam's Wild Ride

"Wonder Pets Flyboat Ride*", huh Mommy?  Really?  Gotta be honest with you, I'm skeptical about this.  Have you seen this thing?  I mean, the bottom drops out from under you.  That's supposed to be FUN?  You're kidding me, right? 

Seriously!  I'm only two... this can't possibly be how it ends for me.  Can someone point me to the exit?  Anyone?

How about you looky-loos over here?  Can you help a brotha' out?  What's so funny, you've never seen a kid have a panic attack before? 

For the love of petunias, Mother, would you stop with that dumb camera and RESCUE ME?!  Grandma?  Daddy?  Sissy?  Hellooooo!!!  THIS IS STRESSING ME OUT!!

Sheesh. I give up.  You people are sick.

Guess I might as well give in and enjoy the ride.  Good thing I'm already wearing a diaper...

(*from our latest trip to the Mall of America's "Nickelodeon Universe".  Stay tuned for more stories about our weekend adventure in the Twin Cities)

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Well, looky here. It's the one-month anniversary of my last blog post. *embarrassed grin*

Hmmm.  Yes, mother, I see you have been slacking off lately... do you need a time out?

Guess I've been a little busy lately. Correction: I've been a lot busy and a little lazy lately. After the month we've had, I'm pretty sure I don't have the energy to take out the garbage, let alone get moving on that massive list of summer projects we've got in store. The crummy weather (this is not summer, Mother Nature, you mean old bag!) is not helping matters either.  I need that elusive Motivation Fairy my friend Kim was looking for… WHERE YOU AT, YOU CRAZY FAIRY!?

Can't I just crash on the couch and watch that entire season of Modern Family I've got DVR'd instead?

We've had a crazy few weeks. Let me give ya a quick rundown of the past month:

1) Dishwasher clogs mid-cycle. Husband pulls dishwasher from it's hole in the wall to fix clog, hose snaps, 5 gallons of disgusting dishwater gushes through the floor and out through the basement ceiling, onto the sectional and carpet in the family room. Wife (nearly) barfs. Husband buys wife brand new replacement dishwasher, appliance installer breaks kitchen sink drain while installing, wife pays plumber to fix sink.

Wife stocks up on ramen noodles for family to eat for the remainder of the summer.

2) Wife takes daughter and 4 of her 5-year-old friends to Wahpeton Zoo for Preschool field trip. Wife loves daughter, thanks the good Lord that she only has one...

The whole preschool class.  There are only 21 of 'em, but they have the energy of 61.

3) Daughter graduates from preschool! Husband makes fun of Wife, who cries when Daughter sings "The Wheels on the Bus" at the ceremony. Wife thinks it was kismet that Daughter later accidentally dumped a half-bottle of syrup in Husband's lap during graduation celebratory brunch.

The Preschool Graduate!  Look out Kindergarten, here she comes!

My grown-up little princess

4) Wife complains of broken fence posts in backyard, dog escapes regularly. Husband hires fence dude to repair broken posts. Wife writes check.

Wind blows, rains fall. Fence breaks again. Husband cries silent tears while he & wife & brother-in-law bail water out of sump pit during 6-hour power outage.


Husband calls fence guy back, fence guy repairs the remainder of the fence he already fixed once, wife writes another check.

Wife considers selling eldest child on black market to pay for home repairs.

5) Wife decides 'tis high time to work harder at potty-training Son. Son pees on floor instantly, laughs maniacally. Wife sends Husband out to buy more diapers.
His Highness, King PeePee Pants, atop his throne.

6) Family takes 8-hour trip across the state. Children are well behaved, for the first time ever, thanks to new minivan, family-sized boxes of fruit snacks, and dual DVD players sent from Heaven. Wife decides against black market sale of children. Trip is awesome, family spends quality time with relatives, fun is had by all.  Family decides a return trip in August is in order.

Double-sleepers!  This has in all seriousness NEVER happened before!!

7) Wife decides more logical way to raise some home-improvement funds is to sell some of the massive amounts of unused junk which was slowly and steadily taking over family's home. Wife tags, folds, sorts & displays truckloads of stuff for garage sale.

Holy crap.  And to think I just had one of these a year ago.  Why do we have this much stuff!!?

Grandma comes up to help out, contributes home-baked treats to Granddaughter's business venture. Granddaughter sells $52 worth of cookies, Rice Krispy bars and lemonade. Wife sells $650 worth of random crap. Wife rethinks marketing strategy for next sale: adorable, precocious 5-year-olds move merchandise (and if they flash their blue eyes and dimples, might receive a $5 for a $0.50 item with no expectation for change returned.)

The wee entrepreneur, calculating her capital gains taxes...
or writing "*heart* Justin Bieber" on her notebook, one of the two.

8) Husband & Wife celebrate 8th Wedding Anniversary at Cork & Cleaver ("Booze & Beef") while Grandma babysits. We had a lovely kid-free evening and enjoyed some delicious food. We realized we don't get out much when we both yawned at 8:00 and asked each other "ehh, should we just go back home?" We did just that, and made it through 1/2 episode of Pawn Stars before we both fell asleep on our respective recliners. It was a blissful celebration.

So here I sit, looking ahead at our family calendar for the next few weeks, and realize I best get my hiney in gear, or this house is gonna fall clean apart before the school year starts. (School year!? OMG!! That is not happening…) The summer is 1/3 over and I have yet to do any house cleaning, let alone yard work, bike riding, or swimming... and that is just not cool. So my Motivation Fairy? A 6'3" 280-lb Nordic-looking blond dude (that one I've been married to for 8 years). He has a lovable way of simultaneously kicking my ass while patting me on the back. That coachs' training is sure coming in handy.  I have high hopes for getting some weeds pulled this weekend, and some busted-up pavers removed, but mother nature and the little gnomes that clutter up my kitchen might just have other plans.

Onward & upward! I'm off to nurse this lovely summer sinus infection I've contracted (probably as some sort of punishment for my lazy behavior).  Yippee.  Happy Summer!!  If it ever gets here, that is.