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Thursday, October 06, 2011

Under Where?

You've all heard the golden line from your dear Mother: "Always wear clean undies in case you're in an accident."


If I'm in an accident, I'm probably gonna crap my pants out of fear and shock anyway.

It was probably just some wisely figurative way of saying "always be prepared" or "appearance matters" or maybe "if you're going to make an impression, make a good one"… y'know, some brilliant nugget of motherly genius.

I'm coming to realize that what Mom probably should have been saying all those years was, "always wear non-embarrassing underwear in case, God forbid, anyone ever sees them." This is far more practical advice.

Yes, this advice would have served me well tonight when I went to the massage therapist. As I stripped down, I realized with horror that I was wearing…. THEM. The most embarrassing pair of underwear on this big blue planet. These weren't just your everyday run-of-the-mill Granny Panties. Nosirreeebob, these were some extra-roomy maternity undies. Let's be clear: I am not and will not be pregnant. Nor have I been for 2.5 years. But I have continued to don the ginormous bloomers because to be perfectly honest, they are SUPER comfy. I have the same sentiments about maternity clothing in general. In fact, it's a good thing my sister-in-law got pregnant when she did (she inherited my maternity clothes) because if she hadn't, I'm certain I'd still be wearing those jeans with the stretchy, oh-so-comfy expandable waistband. Don't judge me. They're fricken comfortable.

Back when I was in my teens & twenties, underwear were a novel item: sexy, colorful, expensive garments that NEVER saw the light of day. But in my thirties, my underthing-priorities have changed considerably: Practical, comfortable, cheap. And now it seems like EVERYONE sees them. My doctor, massage therapist, chiropractor, the kids, the husband, hell, even the UPS Man (long story, suffice it to say we won't be ordering any packages anytime soon) and one time even a male co-workerwho got a close-up glimpse of the GP's when a laundry incident landed a pair right in the pocket of my hoodie (which I proceeded to pull out and examine right in front of him. Smooth move, huh!?).

But those extra-roomy, panel-in-front maternity underpants? Those, I kept. Sweet mercy, WHY!!! But guess what? I don't care. Because that stretchy, sturdy cotton is like wearing a fluffy cloud on the hiney. Some days, my life is absolute chaos. And the practical comfort of those giant underoos help me tackle my crazy life with energy and fortitude that no one wearing a pair of those floss-in-the-crack panties would be able to muster. So yes, I think my massive Mom-derwear gives me power.  I am SuperMom!

There's another popular saying that goes, "put on your big girl panties." I think it's figuratively supposed to mean "suck it up, deal with it, be strong, etc.". Well, my Mom-advice is to take that saying literally. Because even though, frankly, they kinda might… well… look like mountains, those suckers might just be able to help you move mountains.